I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize