Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
