There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
