ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
