***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You don't make any sense
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