just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
