and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
