My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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