I think I won the penis lottery.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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