Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he was CRYING into my vagina
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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