So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
