remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
