I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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