shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
