OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
