I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
