At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
