Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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