I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
