My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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