I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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