Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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