My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
