He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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