dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize