I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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