so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Randomize
