im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
