Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
