Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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