mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
