Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
