Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
