my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
