You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
