I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
