The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
