That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
