the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
