Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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