How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
