ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
