we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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