my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
only you would photoshop your dick
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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