Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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