the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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