If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
