I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
