I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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