i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
