so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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