Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
