I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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