so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
