Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
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