you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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