I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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