protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
