There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
