goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
