Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
