I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
we made out on top of his cat.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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