My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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