he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
my poor anus
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
