somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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